I’m waiting for the train to destination unknown; a place where I’m a stranger yet I feel at home.
Familiarity is killing me slowly inside; meekness is seen as weakness and it’s encouraged to have pride.
All my plans are crumbling before my eyes- before the eyes that no longer search for reasons why.
When did it happen, this resentment and confusion? When did assuredness seem an illusion?
I’ve forgotten who I am and who God made me to be; I see miracles and yet I feel drowned by the Red Sea.
The theology and teaching of Jesus Christ now seem like foreign doctrine that I no longer abide by.
I’ve lost sense of what is bad and good, and as a result I’ve become what I said I never would:
A hypocrite, a prisoner of lust, craving all that shall turn to dust.
Yet I feel unwilling to regress to who I was and to recognise the Cross,
As the place where mine own sins were paid for,
Where God ripped out karma and placed justice and mercy at my core.
The evil one is still defeated; the throne of my heart still has Christ seated.
I’d lost my way but I am returning, with a change in mind and heart and a spiritual yearning.
Ryan Lane 2012